PinnedMember-onlyAbout Melissa BalickA table of contents, neatly organized. — Thanks for reading my work! I appreciate it, and I appreciate you. You are too kind. Very attractive, as well. And I really like your shoes, so stylish. Have I told you recently how good you smell? You have the cleverest ideas. I dig your panache. Anyway, enough about you…6 min read6 min read
Published inSYNERGY·Apr 1, 2022Member-onlyI’ve Lost My Zest for Medium After the Latest App UpdateI feel oddly betrayed — It’s been a minute since Medium took away writing functionality on the app, but since they did it, I haven’t published anything here. At first, I was excited to see they were doing an update. I really hoped they might fix some of the glaring problems such as: Showing me…Medium3 min readMedium3 min read
Published inILLUMINATION·Mar 15, 2022Member-onlyWhy Do You Lie About Having Learned to Read When You Were 3 Years Old?Over 75% of people claim they read before first grade, but according to teachers, that’s exceedingly rare. — I’ve been a professional babysitter since 2013, and during that time, I’ve looked after at least 500 children between age 2 and 6. Do you know how many of them could read? One. And she was 5 when she learned. I’ve babysat kids primarily in California — especially the San…Dishonesty8 min readDishonesty8 min read
Published inBlow Your Stack·Mar 12, 2022Member-onlyThink You Hate Vegans? No One Hates Vegans More Than Other Vegans DoVegans mostly get their B12 from fighting amongst themselves — Good news, vegans! McDonalds has joined the ranks of fast-food establishments like Burger King, Chipotle, KFC, and Del Taco in offering a vegan version of their signature food. …Vegan6 min readVegan6 min read
Published inFuck Niches·Mar 7, 2022Member-onlyHow the Hell Do You Pronounce “Car Gurus”?The commercials have me so confused — Have you ever seen a commercial for CarGurus.com? I have because I watch Jeopardy! and streaming things that have ads. The commercials are standard advertising fare: someone is mystified by something that’s actually not that hard, and a totally unnecessary product is introduced as the solution to that non-existent problem. …Advertising2 min readAdvertising2 min read
Published inWriters’ Blokke·Mar 7, 2022Member-onlyWas Getting Paid Thousands of Dollars to Be in a Medical Study Worth It?It was a big hunk of cash, but I was a pin cushion — I recently participated in a medical study that paid me $3250 for a total of 7 visits. The first was a screening visit, the second an intake one, then the last five were the actual study. …Health5 min readHealth5 min read
Published inFanfare·Mar 6, 2022Member-onlyHow Much Longer Will We Joke About Dolly Parton’s Breasts?There’s got to be a shelf life on these things — I was watching the game show Name That Tune recently and one of the tunes on it turned out to be “Islands in the Sun.” “Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton, what a pair,” host Jane Krakowski said. “And Kenny Rogers isn’t so bad either,” she added. Har de har har…Dolly Parton3 min readDolly Parton3 min read
Published inILLUMINATION·Mar 6, 2022Member-onlyInsecure in Your Masculinity? Don’t Worry, There’s Special Water For ThatFinally, water and soap even men can use! — Hey bud, you doing okay? You feeling a little… insecure? What’s that you say? Reusable bottles aren’t MANLY? You want to reduce your plastic usage, but in a way that won’t make your dick fall off? Sounds like you need water so hardcore, you could drown a baby in it. …Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published inFeedium·Feb 21, 2022Member-onlyYou’ll Fail on Medium Unless It Feels Like Easy MoneyThis is the right attitude to be successful here — I have no real idea what my hourly wage is for writing on Medium. Sometimes an article that took me hours to write and revise makes me $10, other times I write and revise something in two hours and it earns well over $500. …Easy Money5 min readEasy Money5 min read
Published inSYNERGY·Feb 17, 2022Member-onlyWhy Do Your Favorite Articles Fail to Catch on with Readers?We’ve all got our stories we love, but that get major views. What gives? — Sometimes you write something so profound, so original, so funny and fascinating, your fingers practically itch to click “publish.” “Surely, this one will be a hit,” you say. “It’s gonna make $500 before the end of the month.” It gets a dozen views the first day, with a solid 50%+…Writing Tips7 min readWriting Tips7 min read
